By: Rebecca van der Weij
For many of us, traumatic experiences linger and take up space in our bodies, carrying the story of what happened to us. The stories show up through expressions of flashbacks, nightmares, isolation, depression, anxiety, intrusive thoughts, compromised senses of safety, and a shaky displacement of our identity. We long to once again, or for the first time, feel safe, good, and at home in our bodies and the world. Instead, our traumas can become an unwanted guest who seems to help us navigate the world by shouting at us in all sorts of ways that we are not safe, nothing is good, and nothing will ever feel like home. It is incredibly painful, defeating, and tiring to live in the aftermath of trauma. We are desperate to heal and live our own versions of a well lived life, a life that enhances our well-being and feels meaningful. The journey to get there can seem so long, we’d rather be at the end of the journey than the beginning, and of course we do. And, I have been wondering whether we can hold the space between the trauma and the place we’d like to be with more self-compassion and if so, what might that look like?
This question brought me back to my time as a child living in New Zealand. My parents often took my siblings and I on challenging walking trails through nature. In line with our Dutch heritage, we also cycled a lot, mostly to and from school or clubs. These activities weren’t always enjoyable for me; I’d rather have opted for a waterpark than an uphill climb or the convenience of sitting in a car instead of pushing clunky pedals after a long day at school. But, these memories also remind me of my earliest encounters with compassion. Sometimes when a steep climb felt like it would never end, and my legs just wanted to stop my dad would notice my struggle and place his hand on my back gently pushing me to the top. Similarly, when winds picked up and it seemed I was stuck cycling in one spot my mum would reach over, hold my arm, and pull me alongside her. I remember the relief and care I felt in those moments, the combination of someone noticing and helping me when I needed it.
Now that I’m older the difficulties have changed, but they haven’t disappeared. Adversity and unwanted challenges are unavoidable parts of the human condition. We will all experience some form(s) of suffering, illness, or violence during our lifetime (Lim and DeSteno, 2016). Tara Brach beautifully said, “if you deepen your attention, you’ll find that everyone you know [including yourself] is living with vulnerability. Everyone is living with fear, with loss, with uncertainty. Everyone on some level, needs to feel safe, loved and seen”. If challenges are inevitable, as they are with trauma, could self-compassion act as the supportive hand on our backs as we climb the hill or peddle through the harsh winds of trauma? Research and experience say that it can. Self-compassion is defined as a sensitivity towards the suffering of self and others with motivation to alleviate that suffering. The experience is comprised of three interacting components: kindness, common humanity, and mindfulness (Neff, 2011).
Self-compassion has become a growing topic of research, its components were first developed by Kristin Neff before becoming well known in the field of psychology as an intervention with positive effects on well-being. Thinking about this in relation to trauma, kindness offers an invitation into becoming aware of our pain rather than avoiding it, while common humanity helps us feel more connected to ourselves and others rather than isolated. Lastly, mindfulness can aid us in caring for ourselves and through this process we are able to find refuge in our own warmth and comfort (Braehler and Neff, 2020). In this way, self-compassion becomes a process by which we develop a friendship with emotional pain rather than losing touch with this experience (Braehler and Neff, 2020). The components of self- compassion when practiced are capable of interrupting automatic trauma responses and creating a new cycle of relating to ourselves.
When I experience a trigger that reminds my body of a similar time when I was unsafe, I immediately want to flee and if I can’t or I don’t, I can become flooded by painful thoughts, images, or sensations. My body is only paying attention to the memory and the ways in which this moment is similar to my past pain. A trauma response chooses the quickest move towards survival and is unwilling to risk pausing and considering that although my current situation resembles a previous traumatic experience, it is not the same experience, and I actually am safe right now. For me, it has taken a self-compassionate awareness to, in that moment, find space to pause, otherwise I will fight, flee, or freeze, leading me to criticise and isolate myself or become absorbed in the trauma response. Rather than saying, “I should be over this by now” or “It’s silly to react this way, nothing is wrong” or “I need to get it together before anybody sees”, self-kindness offers an alternative that calms my autonomic nervous system.
Often, I will put a hand on my chest and quietly say, “This feels really scary and hard, of course it does. I’m sorry it’s so painful right now.” And then, rather than isolating I remind myself of our common humanity, that I’m not alone in this, everybody wants to feel safe, everyone’s body reacts for survival. Finally, I create some space between myself and the emotions by checking out its landscape: what feelings am I experiencing? Are the sensations warm or cold, moving or still, expanding? What colour are the sensations, where is it taking up space in my body? What would the emotions want to say if they could speak? What do I need right now? By taking a self-compassionate pause my brain is able to disentangle from survival responses and bring the parts of my brain that are dysregulated back online.
Over the years, my brain has learnt strategies to return to a sense of safety either through a breathing exercise, different yoga positions or other movement, connecting with a family member or friend, tuning in to my five senses, drinking some water, or whatever else is needed at that moment. In this way, by feeling our emotions despite their discomfort, we slowly expand our distress tolerance allowing us the space to explore, in those moments, how we might be able to care for ourselves. Rather than wishing the discomfort away, by welcoming and accepting it I could find the space to allow it to be with me without letting it overwhelm me. It is important to remember that a self-compassionate way of being does not come naturally to many of us. It takes time, practice, and many do-overs but the process of being patient with ourselves as we navigate new territory, much like any meaningful relationship, is worth the care, kindness, and safety we learn to receive from ourselves.
On this journey may we gently acknowledge the grief of what might have been were it not for the trauma. May we listen to all the sore places inside ourselves. May we care for ourselves in the moments when we wish we had healed more by now, when it seems we’ve got so much further to go than we have come. May we comfort the parts of ourselves that feel stuck, confused, scared, or hopeless. May we know that all humans sometimes feel stuck, confused, scared, or hopeless. May we be kind to ourselves when we repeat the behaviours we have been trying to change and when we don’t do the things we know will help us feel better. May we offer all the thoughts, feelings and sensations that travel through us a nurturing and warm home within our bodies for as long as they need to stay with us.
References
Lim, D., and DeSteno, D. (2016). Suffering and compassion: The links among adverse life experiences, empathy, compassion, and prosocial behavior. Emotion, 16(2), 175–182. https://doi.org/10.1037/emo0000144
Neff, K. (2011) Self-compassion: the proven power of being kind to yourself. New York: William Morrow
Braehler, C. and Neff, K. (2020) ‘Self-compassion in PTSD’, in M. Tull and N. Kimbrel (ed.) Emotion in Posttraumatic Stress Disorder. Elsevier Academic Press, pp. 567-596.
Germer, C. K., and Neff, K. (2015). ‘Cultivating self-compassion in trauma survivors’, In V. M. Follette, J. Briere, D. Rozelle, J. W. Hopper, and D. I. Rome (ed.), Mindfulness-oriented interventions for trauma: Integrating contemplative practices. The Guilford Press, pp. 43–58.
Photo by Everton Vila on Unsplash
