Karden’s Corner by: Karden Rabin
After nearly two decades of exploring mindbody work it has become clear to me that the idea of an adult is a myth. I don’t mean anatomically or chronologically. What’s mythical is our collective conception that adults are generally mature and rational entities capable of behaving “better” than children or animals. This is bullsh*t.
Confirmation of the myth is all around us in the countless interactions we have with other adults and the frequency with which we are bewildered by their actions. How often do we utter statements like “why would she do that” or “they make no sense” or “he must be crazy.” Another demonstration of the myth is the endless sea of analysis and the elaborate explanations we come up with in our own heads to justify our actions and behaviors (or those of others). In general, the greater the level of complexity involved in explaining human behavior, the further the explanation is from the truth. The truth is that the moment emotions are involved in an adult’s behavior (and they almost always are, even if they are not felt) the powerful embodied desires and needs of the animal and the child from earlier stages of our development take charge. And those desires and needs do not conform with cognitive rationality.
And by the way, this is not a bad thing. It’s the way we are designed; and, wonderful components of our humanity and consciousness exist in the child and animal parts of our mindbody. It’s only a bad thing when we believe the myth that we are cognitively rational adults and are either unaware of, in denial about, or condemning of, our animal and child-like parts. I find lack of awareness to be the most common condition of people. Folks who tend towards intellectualization and grandiosity are in denial; and, many who are bound by religion or morality live in the category of condemning their body (which houses the “wicked” impulses of their child and animal).
Why are denial, condemnation, lack of awareness, intellectualization, or grandiosity bad? Well, if you don’t like the word “bad”, let’s just say that repudiation of animal or childlike instincts leads to poor outcomes. What would be the impact on navigation if people still didn’t know the world was round? What would be the impact on public health if people didn’t know cigarettes cause cancer? What would be the impact on the fight against climate change if we didn’t know about greenhouse gasses? Our ability to successfully engage with anything depends on the accuracy of our understanding of how it works. If we are unaware that major parts of our lives are driven by child and animal level forces we are at a great disadvantage in navigating ourselves and life.
My students know that I am fond of saying that a human being is “an adult duct taped to a child bolted to an animal.” When we choose to deliberately own this about ourselves and attend to these other parts of self, not only do we cut through the complexity and bullsh*t that our cognitive mind has invented to explain ourselves, we come to understand our true nature and acquire actual agency over our thoughts, behaviors and actions.
Let’s walk through an example to see how expanding our conception of self to include animal and child components works in real life.
I will often listen to a friend or a client tell me how they are frustrated with a co-worker because some action taken was “disrespectful”. For example, my client was not invited into a meeting or decision making process. Then they’ll say something like “the respectful thing would have been to include me or at the very least give me a heads up about it. That kind of behavior is so unprofessional!”
When I hear this, I ask my clients a series of “why” questions. Why did that frustrate you? Why was it disrespectful? Was there anyone else at the company not involved in the process? Are they upset too? I am not engaging in an inquiry of analysis or explanation, I am engaging in an inquiry of exploration and discovery. As we dig deeper into the whys and focus on the emotions, we usually find that underneath the adult veneer of words like disrespect and unprofessional are feelings like hurt and sadness at being left out. These are the authentic and valid emotions of the childlike social animal that we are at our core: feeling outcast, uncared for, unloved by our work partners.
And just like a child, my adult clients who experience rejection at work react to their emotional pain with the most wonderful of emotional balms, anger. Anger is always a preferable emotional experience to the annihilating feelings of sadness and rejection. Now, these clients didn’t use the word anger (like most clients) they used the word frustration. Most folks use the word frustration because they are not connected to the full force of their anger and they have been socially conditioned to believe that anger is bad. As a result, their rational adult brains select the word frustration because it’s much more acceptable. But, the word obscures the truth for the inner child. The truth for the inner child is that they are enraged and hurt all at the same time
As we delve into the feelings of the client’s inner child, we can begin to actually connect with, discharge, and soothe, the emotional forces that have been driving the frustration and the client’s endless analysis of the situation. As we validate the experience of the inner child and let it know everything is OK, the client’s mind and body begin to settle. And with that embodied settling often comes the ability for the person’s adult mind to see what happened in a new way and to determine a course of action that will improve the entire situation.
Believe it or not, the process of working through adult issues is very similar to the way we help children through their issues. The only difference is that the child does not conceal their feelings. Their sadness and rage present themselves in their raw power in the form of a tantrum. Attuned and emotionally intelligent parents help the child experience the full spectrum of their emotions without condemnation and with containment. After the tsunami of feelings have settled and unconditional connection is re-established between the parent and the child – then and only then – is there the opportunity for the adult to have a rational conversation with the child about what happened. By talking through what happened as well as the emotions that were felt, the parent and child can discuss possible ways of responding and behaving in a more helpful way next time.
Unfortunately, adults, seduced by the myth of being mature and rational entities, short circuit this natural process and completely ignore its emotional components as well as the need for co-regulation (even if that co-regulation is self administered between True Self and the Inner Child) and engage in a quixotic, interminable and generally fruitless process of figuring it all out in their heads.
The way out of this fruitless process requires three things. The first is the willingness to conceive of yourself as an animal and a child as well as an adult. This willingness opens the door for inquiry into one’s thoughts and behaviors in a new way. The second is embodiment. Embodiment actualizes this new conception of self because the animal and child aspects of ourselves are composed largely of sensations, emotions and movements as well as primitive (2-5 year old) language. Lastly, one needs patience. The patience to slow down, to interrupt one’s habitual responses and instead, feel their embodied experience and connect with their inner animal and child. Underneath the myth of the adult, the inner animal and child have always been there… waiting for you to care for them.
Karden Rabin is a mindbody practitioner specializing in psychophysiologic disorders and the co-founder of CFS School.
Photo by Amin Moshrefi on Unsplash
