The Sexual Grief Pivot Quest: Bees Have the Answers


By: Edy Nathan

I walk and see a honeybee – daring to see – there it is – using some of the superpowers held within the 5 senses, I see and hear the bee – the bzzz – and that’s what awakened me out of my covid numbness. 

The Bee is looking at the web. Flying away then returning. The web is calling the bee to entangle itself. The bee is getting closer and closer and closer and then…oh no – it’s in the web, no, no can’t be. “DO something,” I say to the bee!! The web, it captured the bee. The bee struggles to disentangle itself with all of its bee mite. It stops. It stills. It must be in shock. 

I have a secret fascination with bees because they have lots of superpowers. I like to think of any of our superpowers as being our best allies.

Superpower one – They cross pollinate so vegetation can proliferate. 

Superpower two – Their venom potentially kills cancer cells.

Superpower three – They have fringed hair on their legs that work like a comb. 

It’s this special comb which allows them to brush off pollen.  BINGO – maybe that’s how the bee will release itself from the web!

It’s easy to get ensnared in a web, we do it every day. The web of sexual grief, the kinship it forms with sexually traumatic developmental events, is quite vast. This kind of grief is a natural response to unnatural and unplanned events. These events can include being humiliated after a first sexual encounter, responses to the loss of the sexual self through the aging process, and sexual trauma. When the calling of sexual grief is in your mind, body, and psyche you can get ensnared by its lure, feeling out of sync. Which sometimes feels like anxiety, depression, or thinking you don’t understand how you fit into the world. When you find yourself stuck, imprisoned by a web, hours can disappear, and so can the core of your calm self.

What kind of web entices you? What coaxes you into its lair even when you know it’s better to shift directions, and then how do you create a personal Pivot?

Step one is to form and be a part of community. Community is important to survival, for bees and for us.

This is how bees do it:

They work together to provide for the future. As they age, they expect more from younger bees. They’re vigilant. They communicate. They thrive on complex social structures. They don’t retaliate or hurt another unless they are hurt themselves. They build strong foundations. These complex structures ensure the bees’ survival. People are also impacted when social and community structures get corrupted. Affecting many parts of the self, physically, emotionally, spiritually, and sexually. 

Have you ever acted as if you’re fine, yet you’re not? Have you experienced a lack of deep sleep and as a result find your days are filled with anger, fear, or you’re simply not thinking straight?  

These are potential outcomes of too much isolation, too much hiding the pain you carry within the depths of your being and are, in essence, the webs you may have succumbed to – especially because none of this feels like a choice.  

When this happens, do you choose to stay stuck, or do you dare to find your own superpowers? 

Like being a great communicator, or an innovator, or tapping into a more flexible, durable response to a stuck state of mind. Or tuning into your five senses. Vulnerability is an opening to accessing your superpower. Resilience is being in that vulnerability and having it work for you, rather than take you down. You see, that’s when superpowers have a chance to show up. Vulnerability is not a place of stuck. 

When you grow out of stuck you metamorphosize, breaking through the message of I’m stuck, and owning “I get to dare to thrive.” John F Kennedy’s mantra of hope, “For time and the world do not stand still. Change is the law of life”- change is the law of life – which means stuck is not a forever kinda thing. If you are in a daring kinda mood, daring is believing in change and in resilience.

Then it happens, the bee starts to move. I say, “YOU GO BEE” – and it says “YEP, I’m not staying in this web.” 

Oh, I do know that bees can’t talk…

It’s magical to see the bee using its superpower, the comb on its legs have come to the rescue.

The bee winds its way down the web until it kind of hops off. I would never have believed it could have done that. It flapped its two wings and flew away. Against all odds. It dared to be the bee that could safely flee. 

Are you stuck in grief, sexual grief, or isolation? These are places you don’t have to stay in. 

There’s something I call the knowing/believing gap. You know what to do, yet don’t believe the action will help or change an outcome. Tap into what you know about your own superpowers, which may be as simple as being calm in chaotic situations and believing it results in resilience. Which then leads to an unstuck, superpower state of mind .  

Once you recognize your superpower, growth and metamorphosis can occur. For the bee, this looks like freedom from the web. In human terms, it’s the same thing. To dare to be free from what keeps us entwined in the web.

I hear you asking HOW? 

Try this: Identify the obstacles, like creating a sexual grief timeline (that’s the web and where you get stuck). Identify your superpowers, there are more than you realize, these are your allies. Then, create a path plan to dare to grow and partner with the superpower, this is metamorphosis.

The stuck zone impacts your ability to remember resilience. The superpower zone gets you out of your resilience amnesia. The metamorphosis growth zone takes the superpower on the road. So that your brain can come out of the shadows, becoming one of your superpowers.  

The bee changed its outcome. You can too.


Dare to Believe in the power of your SUPERPOWER.

You’ve got this. You’ve had the power all along!

Photo Credit: Darios

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